A Polar, Bi Polar

The grieving process consists of 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For a while, I was in denial - perhaps I truly believed what I felt in my heart, but for everyone else, it was pure, blatant denial. Did not help that the people around me frequently switched between "Let it go" and "Just give it time".

I have lived 29 years with my intuition, I know when I'm certain, and I know when I should give something the benefit of doubt. What's a girl to do, when her instincts scream something so loudly, and yet events unfold otherwise. If I dare simplify the equation, my own instinct had let  me down -- for someone so hypersensitive, that's a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

How? How did something I felt so strongly for far longer than a split second turn out to be wrong?

Accepting that I was wrong, threw me down the bottomless pit of depression. It is not a place unfamiliar to me, but it has been a truly long time since I was there, it was hell. Just a deeper, darker kind of hell. Like I have never known.

I thought you were special. I thought you more than just special.
You were my fucking mirror. You were exactly what I saw in my dreams.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I am crawling, struggling to find the exit. Maybe I will get there, maybe I won't. But I have to do whatever it takes, to stay alive.

Am I bargaining? I don't know. I don't want to. I know it's over, but a part of me still breathes you.Your skin, your smile, your hair, your lips, your hands. My God, your hands, I still remember the first time you held mine. I remember.

I don't know how I'll allow another hand to hold mine. I don't see it, I can't imagine.

And what hurts so bad, is that you're out there in the world, probably not remembering anything about me.

I feel the anger creeping, I feel it in sudden, swift attacks, venom threatening to expel into my veins. But it doesn't last long, usually followed by a crying bout.

Maybe one day I'll pass all these stages, and get to acceptance. Maybe one day I will stop believing that you're the one.

I can't decide if I want that day to come right now, or if I never want it to come, at all.

Because when I truly walk away from here, you would have lost someone who loves you, flaws, baggage and all. You would have lost someone who would sacrifice everything she has to, just to be with you.

I Had a Dream

Backed up against a corner, by a semi-circle of men in black suits. I could tell what was gonna happen, even though it was a dream. Then Specimen A, you came, and spoke words to me that I now dont remember. You spoke them as you stood facing me, and then you went on one knee.

Everyone was watching. I was so happy, in my dream. And then came a female, to relay a message -- that my father did not approve, he thought you were defective. You start to walk away, and my emotions took a 180° turn. I cried and clung on to you because obviously, I didnt want you to leave.

Now I'm awake, I cant even decipher who you are. But more than anything, it has left me perplexed. It was not about the crowd, or the concept of a proposal, it was not about Specimen A, or parental disapproval.

What has left me floored is how easy it is for anyone to walk away. Like how easy it has been for me to walk away from things, situations and people. It may be part choice, but more often than not, it is a decision made so as to avoid being hurt.

Because we know, being hurt sucks.

I understand now. I understand that is not all about ego, because sometimes it's part self-preservation, part self-defence.

And why do living things mate? To maintain a succession in a world where only the strongest survive.

As for the people like me? I guess the Universe thinks that it is unnecessary for our DNA to persist beyond our existence.

It's a Sad, Sad Situation

This society, we work like clockwork. Invisible strings, pushing and pulling, whipping you into action. Wake in the morning, run for your bus, rush for the train, work in access, rush back home and repeat.

As I stand by the sidewalk, watching everyone scurrying past, I knew that next to none actually enjoyed this routine. Where is the fire that ignites the soul, spurring you to do whatever it is that you do? No, I know you do not enjoy the office. No, I know you dread what is coming. You dread the day, you hate the routine. But why do you do what you do? Why do you let yourself fit the mould?

The mould created by the mothering G. You let their ideals squeeze, shape and make your life. My heart sincerely goes out to all of you, to all of us.

What do you really want to do? What inspires and sets your soul on fire? What would you do, if we were not told that success is working to the last drop of strength, and splurging your gains on everything latest because we live in a world where consumerism is the social order? 

My soul aches, for you, for me, for us. Because if it does not strike you the way it so painfully strikes me, let me tell you: We are lost.

We are a generation so educated, so wealthy and technologically advance, but we are lost.

All of us, we are people, yes we are people. But we are souls too. And in this society, our souls have been forgotten, because our egos have been fed to such a magnitude. That we forget, our souls are what we truly are, and our souls are the only thing we have, when we time weakens, destroys or finally removes the earthly body that we carry.

My soul, it has been ignored and denied long enough. I too, have been a victim of somebody else's ideals, and this is where it stops. Ask me what I wanna do, I will tell you - I want to run barefoot in the grass and feel the earth beneath me. I want to lay on the sand, feel the sun's rays on my face and seawater tickling my feet. I want to write to my heart's content, and I wanna capture the beauty all around me and immortalize them in photos. I want to do whatever it takes to make my heart sing, and I want to live, and love. 

We hang on to the familiar, for we fear the unknown. But who knows what magic awaits us when let go of the comfortable, and allow our souls and intuition to take over the driver's seat. It is scary, without a doubt, but the possibilities are endless. 

Everyone has a choice to the way they lead their lives, but I, for one, will not live, only to regret on my deathbed. My soul is bigger than it is allowed to be right now, and it is time to grow.

You only live once.