A Polar, Bi Polar

The grieving process consists of 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For a while, I was in denial - perhaps I truly believed what I felt in my heart, but for everyone else, it was pure, blatant denial. Did not help that the people around me frequently switched between "Let it go" and "Just give it time".

I have lived 29 years with my intuition, I know when I'm certain, and I know when I should give something the benefit of doubt. What's a girl to do, when her instincts scream something so loudly, and yet events unfold otherwise. If I dare simplify the equation, my own instinct had let  me down -- for someone so hypersensitive, that's a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

How? How did something I felt so strongly for far longer than a split second turn out to be wrong?

Accepting that I was wrong, threw me down the bottomless pit of depression. It is not a place unfamiliar to me, but it has been a truly long time since I was there, it was hell. Just a deeper, darker kind of hell. Like I have never known.

I thought you were special. I thought you more than just special.
You were my fucking mirror. You were exactly what I saw in my dreams.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I am crawling, struggling to find the exit. Maybe I will get there, maybe I won't. But I have to do whatever it takes, to stay alive.

Am I bargaining? I don't know. I don't want to. I know it's over, but a part of me still breathes you.Your skin, your smile, your hair, your lips, your hands. My God, your hands, I still remember the first time you held mine. I remember.

I don't know how I'll allow another hand to hold mine. I don't see it, I can't imagine.

And what hurts so bad, is that you're out there in the world, probably not remembering anything about me.

I feel the anger creeping, I feel it in sudden, swift attacks, venom threatening to expel into my veins. But it doesn't last long, usually followed by a crying bout.

Maybe one day I'll pass all these stages, and get to acceptance. Maybe one day I will stop believing that you're the one.

I can't decide if I want that day to come right now, or if I never want it to come, at all.

Because when I truly walk away from here, you would have lost someone who loves you, flaws, baggage and all. You would have lost someone who would sacrifice everything she has to, just to be with you.