A Polar, Bi Polar

The grieving process consists of 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For a while, I was in denial - perhaps I truly believed what I felt in my heart, but for everyone else, it was pure, blatant denial. Did not help that the people around me frequently switched between "Let it go" and "Just give it time".

I have lived 29 years with my intuition, I know when I'm certain, and I know when I should give something the benefit of doubt. What's a girl to do, when her instincts scream something so loudly, and yet events unfold otherwise. If I dare simplify the equation, my own instinct had let  me down -- for someone so hypersensitive, that's a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

How? How did something I felt so strongly for far longer than a split second turn out to be wrong?

Accepting that I was wrong, threw me down the bottomless pit of depression. It is not a place unfamiliar to me, but it has been a truly long time since I was there, it was hell. Just a deeper, darker kind of hell. Like I have never known.

I thought you were special. I thought you more than just special.
You were my fucking mirror. You were exactly what I saw in my dreams.

My. Instinct. Lied. To. Me.

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I am crawling, struggling to find the exit. Maybe I will get there, maybe I won't. But I have to do whatever it takes, to stay alive.

Am I bargaining? I don't know. I don't want to. I know it's over, but a part of me still breathes you.Your skin, your smile, your hair, your lips, your hands. My God, your hands, I still remember the first time you held mine. I remember.

I don't know how I'll allow another hand to hold mine. I don't see it, I can't imagine.

And what hurts so bad, is that you're out there in the world, probably not remembering anything about me.

I feel the anger creeping, I feel it in sudden, swift attacks, venom threatening to expel into my veins. But it doesn't last long, usually followed by a crying bout.

Maybe one day I'll pass all these stages, and get to acceptance. Maybe one day I will stop believing that you're the one.

I can't decide if I want that day to come right now, or if I never want it to come, at all.

Because when I truly walk away from here, you would have lost someone who loves you, flaws, baggage and all. You would have lost someone who would sacrifice everything she has to, just to be with you.

Till We Meet Again.

On my last day of a sabbatical leave, I resolve to leave my unanswered questions as they are - it is the only way I can get pass this chapter, and into whatever lies ahead.

May the hearts I have hurt find it in themselves to forgive me of whatever damage I have knowingly or unknowingly caused, and may I find it within myself to forgive myself of the mistakes I have committed.

I guess it takes this much for me to be forced to my knees and realize that the universe is far bigger than me, and that I am weak, I am nothing without the people around me.

My despair has brought into light the people who truly care about me, and those who do not. It is a bitter pill, but I take it. I take it for my own learning and growth into whatever I am meant to be, next.

My fault lies in the indulgence of my emotions, and as someone so sensitive, most times I really think it is not my fault. But if I was born this way, then maybe it was meant to be yet another test on my existence. I take it, ya Allah, I take it.

I have less than 24 hours till I return to my daily routine, and though I wish I could hide from life for a little longer, I know that that will only do more damage than good. I have to face reality, I have to face life.

And I have to face the fact that sometimes, what my heart feels, is not the absolute truth. I thought you were The One, but I was wrong. My grief is not only in losing you, but in acknowledging that my instinct was wrong.

I was wrong. I was wrong to many, and I was wrong about you.

Whoever he is that is meant for me, I hope he's somewhere in the world looking for me. I hope he finds me. 

Because as strong as I potray myself to be, at the end of the day, I am a woman. That makes me a creation made from the rib of a man. 

But until he finds me, I have to do this on my own. 

May Allah be with me.

Next.

The paranormal will always be a part of me; my eternal interest, but sometimes, even things that mean a lot to you, will have to take a backseat. I hereby announce my departure from Dimensi Kedua (like, 3 months ago?), it's been a short, sweet ride, but I am sure that my journey with the paranormal will not end here.

This entry serves to alter the direction of this blog (a little!). Now that paranormal activities will not be the main highlight of my existence, it is about time I revive my long-lost love for travel. I've never come across a paranormal-travel blog before, hopefully I'll find a way to make this work.

Bismillah.